Player Plot: How to Get Away With Moo-der

[singlemilletgrain]

Who: Shu, cows, and you
What: Udder cowtastrophe
Where: Farmlands outside of Elysium
When: Mid-month
Warnings: Animal cruelty



As the farmer plods away to resume tending his fields, Shu shakes her head with a frown and addresses her companion. "That is the fourth farmer this week to report a missing herd of livestock. These aren't small losses, either. It is unimaginable that they simply vanished off the face of the earth."

Not coincidentally, Shu is currently seated atop her own oxen, who is placidly chewing on some grains underfoot.

"Let us examine the pasture. He said there were numerous markings he could not make sense of. These disappearances will be catastrophic for the small farmer if they continue and have a lasting ripple effect on the supply chain of meat. Not just for the Corsairs."

She nudges He Sheng with her ankles.

Comments

[newmemorywhodis]

When they hear the sounds of voices, Link stills immediately - and gestures towards Shu, indicating that she too should stop.

And then, he listens. A single cow? But the farmer had lost an entire herd. Had these people found He Sheng's tracks somehow?

Staying very, very quiet, he shifts forward slightly. He wants to hear better. And perhaps if he can catch sight of them through the grass, he'll get a read on how many of them there are.

[singlemilletgrain]

Conscious that she is significantly worse at this than Link, Shu stays put and allows him to perform the reconnaissance. As he crawls through the grass, he will spot three solders in Imperial uniform conversing and approaching.

"...a normal cow, anyway."

"Freaky thing had some kind of growth hormone deal going on."

"I don't care what it looks like. Again: who cares about one escaped cow?"

Conveniently, the three soldiers stop at this point so their conversation is clear. Less conveniently, they begin to fan out in what is obviously a (somewhat reluctant and not very well performed) search for tracks along the ground.

"Tracks went this way. Boss says it could tip off the local farmers where we are if it goes home."

"Reaaaally don't think cows are that smart."

As they talk, they start to circle outwards.

[newmemorywhodis]

At this point, Link lets them pull ahead, the distance between the soldiers and Link and Shu widening.

"They lost a cow," he whispers to her, once they're far enough away that there's no risk of them overhearing. "Think they stole them."

[singlemilletgrain]

Shu clasps her hands together and beams at this good news, though Link might find this a bit of an overreaction to a single saved cow.

"Then we must locate it before they do. Perhaps it can help us."

She does seem to have a fairly good rapport with animals, even if, as the soldiers say, cows are not the most intelligent creatures.

"Where do they think it's gone?"

[newmemorywhodis]

"They're following tracks," Link whispers. So if they follow the three, they could find the lost cow.

But then...who says they need to follow behind at all?

"...I can take them," he says. There were only three of them, after all. If Shu says the word, he will.

[singlemilletgrain]

"Hm."

She considers briefly before she gives a slight nod.

"We will take them," she responds, with the slightest emphasis on the first word. She is not letting Link place himself in danger alone, not after seeking his help on a mission that was much more personally important to her. She withdraws her weapon, an object vaguely shaped like a baton, and unclasps the shield at her back - the same one she had used with Link in training.

[newmemorywhodis]

Link shrugs. Well, if Shu wants to help...sure. Why not?

And seeing no reason to wait any longer, he draws his own weapon, and launches the attack. But it's not his sword he starts off with - it's his bow, and one of the Dazzlefruit that Shu herself as grown for him.

Swifting fusing the glittering fruit to the tip of his arrow, he aims towards the soldier in the center - and fires. As the arrow his its mark, a cloud of bright, glittering dust fills the air - blinding anyone caught in the cloud.

And it's with that advantage that Link darts forward from the grass, now swapping the bow for his sword and shield as he strikes with a wide swing of the blade.

[singlemilletgrain]

"Ah -- "

She thought he said they were supposed to be eaten! But no -- of course, this was the same technique he had used on Terra. She simply hadn't connected it to the fruits she was cultivating. Fascinating -- horticulture and weapon of war all in one glittering, beautiful combo. (...Do these grant higher damage in... blinding sun?)

Still, she recovers from her surprise quickly enough. She doesn't wish for Link to, ah... permanently maim or decapitate anyone if possible, and she makes a strong effort to knock out the closest one with her heavy scepter as he staggers around blind. Link's horizontal swing causes one to go reeling back with a slice to the abdomen while the other is more prudent and dives to the ground the moment the Dazzlefruit explodes.

None of them are exactly in a position to counter, though the one who escaped the blade seems to be trying to reach for something...

"A flare!"

[newmemorywhodis]

(Oddly enough, Dazzlefruit didn't have any particular special effect when cooked. It made dishes look a little sparkly, but that was it.)

With one blind and staggering, and another knocked silly by Shu's heavy scepter, Link's focus shifts entirely to the third one. But he's too far away to easily intercept, so once more his sword is swapped out for his bow.

This time, it's a Shock Fruit he fuses to the arrow - and aims right at the hand fumbling for the flare. And when it hits, the fruit releases a burst of electricity, shocking the hapless thief - and making him drop anything in his hands as he is momentarily paralysed.

It won't last forever. After a few seconds, the thief will return to normal. But that's more than enough time for Link to get in real close - and press his blade against the thief’s neck.

[singlemilletgrain]

Shu proceeds to sit on her soldier and begin to tie back his hands with some vine that begins to sprout rapidly out of the ground. Though blinded and paralyzed, the victim of Link's various status ailments can still recognize the cold touch of steel against his skin and instantly freezes. ...Or at least he would, if he weren't in the midst of vibrating uncontrollably from the voltage surging through his muscles and nerves.

"W-Who are you?! Y-Y-You a-are interfering w-w-with the ... E-Empire!"

The paralysis fades away. Behind Link, the one he had slashed clutches his abdominal wound and seems to be considering the pros and cons of jumping on Link vs. running away as little sprouts begin to curl under his feet.

[newmemorywhodis]

Link considers the accusation. And then says, blasé and unconcerned, "Yup."

And then he kick's at the soldier's feet, bringing him crashing down to the ground. He shifts, sword still pointing at his now prone enemy, so he can keep an eye on him and the one with the wound to the gut at the same time.

As they consider the pros and cons of trying to jump Link, Link stares back. He says nothing, and his expression doesn't change, but the challenge is there.

Does the soldier really think they can take Link?

[singlemilletgrain]

The world may never know what direction the soldier was leaping. For when their feet leave the ground, the little sprouts tug at their boots and they come crashing to earth before they've even made it an inch. Shu quietly gets to work tying the remaining two.

"Cooperate. We are seeking the livestock you stole. One way or another, we will track them down. Where did you take them?"

The three soldiers exchange mutinous glances and do not seem particularly forthcoming.

"If you don't -- "

Shu is cut off by a reverberating, not-so-distant bellows as of a great beast. Her head whirls in surprise.

[newmemorywhodis]

Those grasping sprites get a curious look from Link. So useful! Shu was a handy person to have around.

But then the still quiet is interrupted by a roar, and his head snaps towards it.

Was that one of the creatures they took?!

If it was, they didn't have time anymore. He shifts the sword in his grip, and then brings the hilt of it down - hard - on the head of the soldier before him, knocking him out.

And then runs towards the sound of the beast.

[singlemilletgrain]

"Ah -- !"

Link is significantly faster than Shu because he has a stamina bar - and her first instinct isn't to run, either way. She stands and hesitates briefly, eventually deciding to stoop down and check one last time to make sure the cords are secure before following. By this time, he has gained some distance.

It's difficult to identify the source of the sound exactly. It seems to echo across the fields - and in the distance, there comes the pounding of hooves reverberating through the earth. As he sprints through the grass, he comes up against a few possible paths. Cutting directly in the direction of where he thinks the sound is coming from would mean breaking through some brush and thickets. It is possible to go around, though it detours and meanders down a cliff. The other direction around is thickening forest and doesn't seem too promising.

[newmemorywhodis]

Link doesn't care about breaking through the brush and thickets. He can take a few scratches. And where the brush is too thick, he'll draw his sword and start cutting a path.

It does slow him down a little. Perhaps Shu will be able to catch up, at that point. He does glance back, looking to see how far behind him she is.

He doesn't plan to go and just leave her behind, after all.

But at long as she's not too far back, he'll keep pressing on.

[singlemilletgrain]

Shu is chugging along in the distance when he glances back, and though it doesn't appear as if running is one of her strengths, she seems to be keeping pace without being completely left behind. As if to emphasize the urgency of whatever is happening, another deep bellows sounds from beyond the thickets.

The way is slow-going, with grasping branches and thorny bushes. Link may have to physically cut a path as he progresses, but it seems this is the right direction, for the sounds of the hooves become more apparent as he goes. As Link breaks through the last of the shrubbery, he may need to catch himself (literally) before falling off the edge of a short cliff about twenty feet high.

Below, the ground has transitioned to fields once more, and he is overlooking a wide, flat area that stretches out towards the horizon. He will spot the obvious source of the sound almost immediately - a herd of about 50 cows off in the distance, perhaps several thousand feet away, stampeding his direction. At their head is an unusual looking ox, brilliant white with curving horns. The source of their consternation is less visible.

...Are those... tanks?

[newmemorywhodis]

Fortunately, Link managed not to go head-over-heels over the cliff. Which is a good thing, seeing as he doesn't (yet) have his paraglider back.

But with the fall averted, Link takes a moment to pause - and look out over the scene before him.

Link's never seen a tank before. But he's seen - and made - all sorts of wheel-based ultrahand contraptions, some of which were rather tank-like. And most of which had also been used to murder large numbers of monsters.

So...maybe these were machines meant to murder cows?

At this point though, both cows and any vehicular murder machines are still too far away for Link to do anything to help. And...he really doesn't know that much about cows. So he gives another glance back towards Shu, in case she has any insights.

[singlemilletgrain]

It takes her a few minutes, but Shu eventually appears, huffing slightly as she -- also barely avoids running off the edge of a cliff.

"Gyak -- "

And thus does Link hear the most undignified noise Shu has yet to make in this world. Coughing somewhat as she regains control of herself, she holds on to a tree trunk hanging out into space and gazes out into the distance.

"What in Terra...?"

The herd has drawn closer. As have the vehicles chasing, and they appear to be long, metal... trailers outfitted with weaponry and enormous tires. As Shu squints, she seems to make some connections.

"Ah. Those are transport vehicles for livestock! Look, some of them are damaged in the back. Those cows must have broken free somehow."

[newmemorywhodis]

Ah. So not just deadly war machines, then. They're transport.

The thieves must have used them to steal the cows.

Then, hands on hips - and looking utterly unafraid of the drop before him - Link stares at the approaching herd and vehicles, like they're a puzzle they need to solve. Because lacking vehicles of their own, neither Link or Shu could run fast enough to intervene. The thieves could just outrun them.

Pity they didn't have horses.

...Wait.

"...We can ride the cows," he says. Cows which were coming towards them. If Link timed it right, he could leap right off the cliff - and land on the back of one.

[singlemilletgrain]

"...We can?"

Link can. Jumping 20 feet to land on top of a cow doesn't fall under the usual job duties of 'Guardian Defender.' Shu doesn't seem to grasp the plan immediately, and it's only when she sees Link sizing up the drop that she realizes what's in his mind.

"Ah."

...Well. It's not that she's not willing to try. It's simply that the odds of success seem fairly low.

"They are moving fairly quickly."

[newmemorywhodis]

Of course they can. And they will.

Just before the cows begin to reach near the cliff - as they start to turn, having no further to go - Link runs along the top of the cliff. For a moment, he matches pace with the stampeding herd, running alongside in parallel.

Then he jump. No hesitation, no doubt. A leap that's practically acrobatic, like he does this all the time.

(He kind of does do this all the time.)

And then he lands - right on the back of a cow.

[singlemilletgrain]

"Ah."

Shu watches this performance with both suitable awe and a lingering feeling of uncertainty. She has definitely not done this all the time. Still, there is no point in being a pseudo-deity if one does not believe in one's ability to slightly manipulate reality to one's favor. So it is that she artistically flips through the air at a time when she can maximize the number of cows beneath her and increase her odds of landing precisely in the correct spot to pull this off.

...

She does not pull this off.

She might have, if her excessively long hair hadn't caught on some of those tree branches sticking out and yanked her backwards, sending her flopping down the side of the cliff instead of gracefully descending from the sky like a bovine goddess. Fortunately, the cliff flattens out vertically into a straight drop shortly after and spares her further indignity as she plummets into the cow herd to be trampled to death under thousands of hooves.

Ah... so the cycle of life continues and the harvest of my soul shall give way to the next generation... In these last moments, I can think only of the words of the famed Yanese poet, Zhang Jiuling, who said, "Circumstance governs destiny; cause and effect are an inf -- "

Her dying thoughts are cut off by a snort of hot breath and a distinct eye roll as the great white ox flies into the air (literally) and catches her before she gets trampled.

Meanwhile, over on the side of the herd with more competent cliff jumpers, Link's cow will find itself deeply alarmed by the sudden weight on its back and moos loudly in consternation. This is fine, as the entire herd is clamoring loudly. Strangely, Link will find that pulling on one horn or another can guide the cow's direction fairly well, even though it seems exceptionally unlikely that this is how cow riding should work.

[newmemorywhodis]

Link's ridden all sorts of things. Horses. Deer. Bears. Skeleton horses. Why not add cows to the list? He manages to figure out how to guide the animal pretty quick.

And then he looks back, to see how Shu is doing, and...blinks.

She's on the ox? And the ox is flying?!

For a moment, all Link can do is share, eyes wide, as he's twisted his entire body around to look back at her and her unexpectedly airborne mount. Is she okay?!

[singlemilletgrain]

Given that Shu's head is currently buried in the rear end of a cow and her limbs are splayed to both sides like a squashed insect, she is not currently in a position to appreciate the precise details of the miracle that she is currently experiencing. All she knows is that she is not dead, which she generally feels is a relief. There's also a rather lot more wind than she would have expected.

Eventually, she will manage to raise her head and squint at whatever is happening now. The white ox has made a U-turn and is now flying back in the direction of the mechanized transport vehicles, which gives her a great view of the tank-like monstrosities bulldozing their way.

"You want us to stop them..."

[newmemorywhodis]

Link's stunned surprise doesn't last forever. So by the time Shu's managed to right herself on the back of the ox, he's turned his own cow around. He moves in a wide arc around the herd, following along not far-behind the flying ox.

Down on the ground, he doesn't hear what Shu says. But it's not hard to figure that the tanks are a problem. One they should stop. So as Link's cow gets closer - still riding the cow at full speed - he draws his bow. And then pulls out a plant that Shu won't have ever seen before, and Fusing it to his arrow.

This plant looks like a flower. One that resembles a large dark blue sphere, with a small circle of thin orange-white petals around a bright red stem. And when Link fires the Fused flower into a clump of the approaching transport vehicles, it explodes.