Player Plot: How to Get Away With Moo-der

[singlemilletgrain]

Who: Shu, cows, and you
What: Udder cowtastrophe
Where: Farmlands outside of Elysium
When: Mid-month
Warnings: Animal cruelty



As the farmer plods away to resume tending his fields, Shu shakes her head with a frown and addresses her companion. "That is the fourth farmer this week to report a missing herd of livestock. These aren't small losses, either. It is unimaginable that they simply vanished off the face of the earth."

Not coincidentally, Shu is currently seated atop her own oxen, who is placidly chewing on some grains underfoot.

"Let us examine the pasture. He said there were numerous markings he could not make sense of. These disappearances will be catastrophic for the small farmer if they continue and have a lasting ripple effect on the supply chain of meat. Not just for the Corsairs."

She nudges He Sheng with her ankles.

Comments

[newmemorywhodis]

Ah. So not just deadly war machines, then. They're transport.

The thieves must have used them to steal the cows.

Then, hands on hips - and looking utterly unafraid of the drop before him - Link stares at the approaching herd and vehicles, like they're a puzzle they need to solve. Because lacking vehicles of their own, neither Link or Shu could run fast enough to intervene. The thieves could just outrun them.

Pity they didn't have horses.

...Wait.

"...We can ride the cows," he says. Cows which were coming towards them. If Link timed it right, he could leap right off the cliff - and land on the back of one.

[singlemilletgrain]

"...We can?"

Link can. Jumping 20 feet to land on top of a cow doesn't fall under the usual job duties of 'Guardian Defender.' Shu doesn't seem to grasp the plan immediately, and it's only when she sees Link sizing up the drop that she realizes what's in his mind.

"Ah."

...Well. It's not that she's not willing to try. It's simply that the odds of success seem fairly low.

"They are moving fairly quickly."

[newmemorywhodis]

Of course they can. And they will.

Just before the cows begin to reach near the cliff - as they start to turn, having no further to go - Link runs along the top of the cliff. For a moment, he matches pace with the stampeding herd, running alongside in parallel.

Then he jump. No hesitation, no doubt. A leap that's practically acrobatic, like he does this all the time.

(He kind of does do this all the time.)

And then he lands - right on the back of a cow.

[singlemilletgrain]

"Ah."

Shu watches this performance with both suitable awe and a lingering feeling of uncertainty. She has definitely not done this all the time. Still, there is no point in being a pseudo-deity if one does not believe in one's ability to slightly manipulate reality to one's favor. So it is that she artistically flips through the air at a time when she can maximize the number of cows beneath her and increase her odds of landing precisely in the correct spot to pull this off.

...

She does not pull this off.

She might have, if her excessively long hair hadn't caught on some of those tree branches sticking out and yanked her backwards, sending her flopping down the side of the cliff instead of gracefully descending from the sky like a bovine goddess. Fortunately, the cliff flattens out vertically into a straight drop shortly after and spares her further indignity as she plummets into the cow herd to be trampled to death under thousands of hooves.

Ah... so the cycle of life continues and the harvest of my soul shall give way to the next generation... In these last moments, I can think only of the words of the famed Yanese poet, Zhang Jiuling, who said, "Circumstance governs destiny; cause and effect are an inf -- "

Her dying thoughts are cut off by a snort of hot breath and a distinct eye roll as the great white ox flies into the air (literally) and catches her before she gets trampled.

Meanwhile, over on the side of the herd with more competent cliff jumpers, Link's cow will find itself deeply alarmed by the sudden weight on its back and moos loudly in consternation. This is fine, as the entire herd is clamoring loudly. Strangely, Link will find that pulling on one horn or another can guide the cow's direction fairly well, even though it seems exceptionally unlikely that this is how cow riding should work.

[newmemorywhodis]

Link's ridden all sorts of things. Horses. Deer. Bears. Skeleton horses. Why not add cows to the list? He manages to figure out how to guide the animal pretty quick.

And then he looks back, to see how Shu is doing, and...blinks.

She's on the ox? And the ox is flying?!

For a moment, all Link can do is share, eyes wide, as he's twisted his entire body around to look back at her and her unexpectedly airborne mount. Is she okay?!

[singlemilletgrain]

Given that Shu's head is currently buried in the rear end of a cow and her limbs are splayed to both sides like a squashed insect, she is not currently in a position to appreciate the precise details of the miracle that she is currently experiencing. All she knows is that she is not dead, which she generally feels is a relief. There's also a rather lot more wind than she would have expected.

Eventually, she will manage to raise her head and squint at whatever is happening now. The white ox has made a U-turn and is now flying back in the direction of the mechanized transport vehicles, which gives her a great view of the tank-like monstrosities bulldozing their way.

"You want us to stop them..."

[newmemorywhodis]

Link's stunned surprise doesn't last forever. So by the time Shu's managed to right herself on the back of the ox, he's turned his own cow around. He moves in a wide arc around the herd, following along not far-behind the flying ox.

Down on the ground, he doesn't hear what Shu says. But it's not hard to figure that the tanks are a problem. One they should stop. So as Link's cow gets closer - still riding the cow at full speed - he draws his bow. And then pulls out a plant that Shu won't have ever seen before, and Fusing it to his arrow.

This plant looks like a flower. One that resembles a large dark blue sphere, with a small circle of thin orange-white petals around a bright red stem. And when Link fires the Fused flower into a clump of the approaching transport vehicles, it explodes.

[singlemilletgrain]

"..."

What is it with the flora in Link's world? Surely there was a limit to the biologically impossible. Shu is on the verge of calling out to Link when he pulls out a literal cartoon bomb from his bottomless pack, attaches it to an arrow (somehow? perhaps it was less weighty than it appeared?) and launches it into the closest livestock trailer.

The front of the vehicle erupts in flames and the driver skids hard to the right. But these are fairly sturdy contraptions and despite the rising smoke, it eventually course corrects in a laborious arc.

"Aim for the tires!"

Traditionally not well armored and also rendering the vehicle useless if struck. Shu's sky-traversing ox - which she has only just realized is about five feet off the ground with some shock - turns and heads towards another of the transport vehicles as it shoots out a large, weighted net towards the runaway herd.

[newmemorywhodis]

To be fair, there wasn't anything else that was going to beat the bomb flower for sheer biological impossibility. Not even the muddlebuds and fire fruits.

But, if she's got any questions she wants to ask about the exploding flora, the'll have to come later. For now, Link nods. As he rides closer, he draws another bomb-flower fused arrow. Just as Shu suggested, he aims for the wheels.

Boom! Boom! Boom! One explosion after the other, as Link fires off several in quick succession. He can't do much about that net, but he can definitely work on disabling those vehicles.

[singlemilletgrain]

And now, the hefty machine can no longer continue the chase as the row of tires along the right side explode in rapid succession. Rubber flying, axles screaming, the trailer tips over onto one side with a great crash. There is a period of silence for a few moments before two soldiers struggle out from the debris. But there is little time to follow their movements - there are still two trailers on the chase and one of them has caught a good ten head of cattle in a weighted net.

Shu's white ox gallops forth as the trailers screeches in a 180 and reverses. Three soldiers jump from the back to begin to prod the cattle back into their containment cells.

In the meantime, the third trailer has locked onto Link as the source of the explosions and hones in on him. A soldier leans out the right side and begins a flurry of gunfire.

[newmemorywhodis]

Quickly raising his shield, Link manages to deflect the soldier's bullets. But his cow is large, and undefended - and Link knows it would be all too easy for the soldier to shoot the creature dead.

So this time, rather than a bomb flower it's a large eyeball that Link Fuses to his arrow. And when he aims, it's not at the third trailer at all - instead, it's off to the side.

But that doesn't matter, because mid-flight the arrow changes direction - and hones in on the soldier with the gun, striking him right in the head. Then Link fires off a few more, enough to strike every soldier on the trailer.

And then - since Link's cow has been thundering towards the third trailer the entire time - he comes in close. And leaps off his bovine mount, and onto the trailer.

Link's trailer, now. Any soldiers still alive will be unceremoniously kicked off before Link takes the wheel.

[singlemilletgrain]

On Shu's side, a line of thorns springs up from the ground as her white ox gallantly charges forward, and there is a pop-pop-popping of tires as the trailer drives over the makeshift caltrops. Still, they're not quite as effective as a bomb and the trailer swerves back and forth as it attempts to keep steady. The three soldiers attempting to corral the cattle are forced to spring out of the way as she charges into their midst.

Link's shiny new trailer, on the other hand, may be somewhat unfamiliar as it is unfortunately not powered by Zonai technology. There are some levers and buttons that would probably be fun to push, but whether or not he can successfully drive the machine is up to his ingenuity.

His cow, bereft of a rider, slows to a halt and realizes that it rather enjoyed the sensation and moos somewhat sadly.

[newmemorywhodis]

Okay, so it's not Zonai technology. But no one ever really told him how to drive those contraptions either. He just kinda had to figure it out.

Which is exactly what Link does here - he presses buttons, he pulls levers, he twists wheels. He pokes at everything there is to be poked, taking note of what happens when he does so.

It means that there's a few moments where the trailer is wildly jerking around, utterly erratic. But then Link gets an idea of what's what, and the trailer begins to move with more intent and purpose.

And that purpose, of course, is moving towards the remaining trailers. His former mount is left behind - although Link does give them a wave as he goes.

Perhaps later he can give them another ride.

[singlemilletgrain]

Most of the buttons and levers seem to shift the truck into forward, reverse, change gears, activate the wipers, etc. For some reason, a large red pullable tab causes one of the headlights to retract and turn into a protrusion from which a giant squeaky hammer is retrieved and begins to indiscriminately pound the ground on his right side.

Link finds himself driving towards the trailer that Shu has accosted. Still swerving, it has managed to restabilize enough to limp after the remaining cows.

On the ground, Shu's mount makes an about face and gores one of the soldiers in the rear end, tossing him over Shu's head. Scepter outstretched, she leaps off and assails another directly.

Not too much longer now.

[newmemorywhodis]

The squeaky hammer's a bit of a surprise, really. But it does give Link ideas.

So as Link speeds towards the enemy trailer, he pulls up alongside them - and then pulls the red tab. Out comes the squeaky hammer, smashing right into the trailer.

Will it do much? Link doesn't know. But the sound is fun, so why not? And just in case it is ineffective, he'll also toss an Ice Fruit into the trailer. Just for good measure.

[singlemilletgrain]

((Sorry for the delay! Had a busy few days. Probably going to ease this towards the end now, if that's OK!))

Alas, the squeaky hammer is indeed a squeaky hammer and doesn't exactly do much to pierce through the trailer's metal cabin, although it definitely is fun. The surprise of being hit with a squeaky hammer is probably enough to momentarily stun them into inaction, though, at the very least, which suffices to permanently stun them into inaction as the driver freezes solid.

Three trailers down, most soldiers incapacitated and one last soldier thrown into the air by an ornery cow. Shu dashes over to the weighted net and, with a significant effort, heaves it up high enough that there is an opening for the captured cows to escape. Before long, the stream of cattle are stampeding on their way down through the plains again.

"...Do you think cattle have a honing sense?"

Shu approaches Link's stolen trailer as the white ox lows and nudges at her. It appears it wants them to follow.

[newmemorywhodis]

[[it's all good! I've been slow too. And happy to wrap things up soon]]

Do cattle have a honing sense? Link shrugs; he has no idea. He doesn't even know much about cattle, really.

But even if they can't, the white ox is clearly something special. So Link shifts the stolen trailer into gear, and moves to follow wherever the ox wants them to go.